Too Much Heat
It was October 1st of this year. A chilly, damp night in Omaha, Nebraska. It was about a half hour until Ludo was to take the stage at The Rock. I needed food and i needed it fast. I rushed out the front door of the club and saw a Dairy Queen sign. Thrilled, i began a brisk walk in its direction with visions of a double cheeseburger and possibly even a Mr. Misty. As i got closer - the unthinkable: DQ was closed. I didn't panic; there was no time for that. I looked all around. No food in sight, just a gas station. I wasn't happy about it, but i knew what i had to do. I walked to the gas station checking the time on my phone. It was getting ugly and i was only getting hungrier. i hit the doors and scoped the place like Magic Johnson would the court at the Garden. There wasn't a lot to work with, but i was starving.
Then i saw it...Hot Pockets. I didn't want to deal with them. They had quite an assortment - cheeseburger, meatball, pepperoni, and more. But since my youth, i've had serious issues w/ microwavable sandwiches or anything in the microwavable sandwich family. Sure when i was young i'd have the occasional microwavable hamburger, or fries or sandwich, but it was always for the novelty of it. I felt it was futuristic. But it always ended the same way and i began to dread a future where all food burnt your mouth on the first bite only to have a completely disgusting frozen solid, last bite. One too many bad experiences w/ grocery store bought White Castle's, and i swore off microwavable meals forever....or least that's what i thought.
But on October 1st, i didn't have much of a choice. I grabbed a meatball pocket, a capri sun (yes, one of the new ones in the bottles - awesome) and a Hershey bar, 'cause i eat those in Omaha now - (another story). So i heat that sucker up and dig in. It was amazing. Every bite. And consistent! It was truly delicious from the first to the last bite. I was delighted - apparently the technology in the field of microwavable food had made some serious advances in just a few short years. As i played the show that night, i was somewhat distracted by this potentially enormous discovery that was sure to have an incredible impact on my life. Those things are pretty close to a full meal, are available at most gas stations throughout the country and only cost $1.99. It didn't take long for everything to sink in.
So needless to say i've been taking advantage of my little discovery and indulging in Hot Pockets pretty often. Which brings us to Saturday night. We just rocked Ames, IA w/ Pomeroy and decided at about 2am we should drive home to St. Louis. We were all starving though, and decided that a gas station stop would be our only stop for food. Needless to say, i was as cool as a microwavable cucumber. We hit that BP hard, and i was delighted to see quite an assortment of HP's. My bandmates were not as relaxed and struggled to find anything worthy of their hunger. I made my pitch on the Hot Pocket's, telling them that i too had been a skeptic, and that i too knew the horrors of frozen centers. Palermo was in. We both went w/ a cheeseburger Pocket and it was off to the microwave. Matt went first and watched hesitantly as his pocket cooked. I placed a reassuring hand on his back and in just 110 seconds that sucker was ready to go. My turn. There were no plates as is often the case in such situations, so we improvised by placing the pocket on a healthy pile of napkins. I turned the dial and went to look for a delicious Capri Sun. No problem - grabbed and headed back to the microwave. Something in that area was burning. There was a hot dog cooker not far from the microwave and i took a closer look, examining it for some sort of malfunction - actually i just smelled it. Then "DING!" my eyes shot to the microwave and - Flames! The entire inside of the microwave was filled w/ fucking flames! I opened her up, determined to save my Hot Pocket (there were no more cheeseburger pockets left!) I was stunned and must have made some sort of noise upon my discovery 'casue the guy behind the counter was eye-ing me pretty hard.
"Uh...."
THe flames disappeared as soon as i opened the microwave door. The pocket looked fine, but the napkins - or what was left of them - were completely charred. I grabbed the pocket and gave it a once over. I blew off some of the ashes, but everything was cool. I grabbed the burnt napkins and threw them away. The bottom, top and sides of the once-white microwave were completely black. It was pretty messed up. The guy started walking over.
"Uh...dude, your microwave caught on fire..."
The guy approached, and though i was nervous, I took bite number one of my Hot Pocket - it was soothing in an otherwise tense moment.
"...I didn't even have anything in there, just my food and some napkins....I ...I don't know why it would...."
He came closer, bent down and looked at the microwave and then at me.
"Too much heat."
He was right. Too much heat.
"Dude, i'm sorry... i"
"I don't care, i'll let the day shift clean it up"
He was right. Fuck the day shift. They can deal w/ this shit. This guy had clearly been held down by the man and the day shift too many times. Guys like he and i, we don't have time for stuff like this. I took another bite - fuckin' day shift.
I contemplated writing and posting a sign reading
"Dear Day Shift,
This thing's all screwed up. Too much heat."
But i heard the Ludo van honk, and surely i'd have to put my nearly-ravaged cheeseburger Hot Pocket down to write such a sign.
-Convy
Then i saw it...Hot Pockets. I didn't want to deal with them. They had quite an assortment - cheeseburger, meatball, pepperoni, and more. But since my youth, i've had serious issues w/ microwavable sandwiches or anything in the microwavable sandwich family. Sure when i was young i'd have the occasional microwavable hamburger, or fries or sandwich, but it was always for the novelty of it. I felt it was futuristic. But it always ended the same way and i began to dread a future where all food burnt your mouth on the first bite only to have a completely disgusting frozen solid, last bite. One too many bad experiences w/ grocery store bought White Castle's, and i swore off microwavable meals forever....or least that's what i thought.
But on October 1st, i didn't have much of a choice. I grabbed a meatball pocket, a capri sun (yes, one of the new ones in the bottles - awesome) and a Hershey bar, 'cause i eat those in Omaha now - (another story). So i heat that sucker up and dig in. It was amazing. Every bite. And consistent! It was truly delicious from the first to the last bite. I was delighted - apparently the technology in the field of microwavable food had made some serious advances in just a few short years. As i played the show that night, i was somewhat distracted by this potentially enormous discovery that was sure to have an incredible impact on my life. Those things are pretty close to a full meal, are available at most gas stations throughout the country and only cost $1.99. It didn't take long for everything to sink in.
So needless to say i've been taking advantage of my little discovery and indulging in Hot Pockets pretty often. Which brings us to Saturday night. We just rocked Ames, IA w/ Pomeroy and decided at about 2am we should drive home to St. Louis. We were all starving though, and decided that a gas station stop would be our only stop for food. Needless to say, i was as cool as a microwavable cucumber. We hit that BP hard, and i was delighted to see quite an assortment of HP's. My bandmates were not as relaxed and struggled to find anything worthy of their hunger. I made my pitch on the Hot Pocket's, telling them that i too had been a skeptic, and that i too knew the horrors of frozen centers. Palermo was in. We both went w/ a cheeseburger Pocket and it was off to the microwave. Matt went first and watched hesitantly as his pocket cooked. I placed a reassuring hand on his back and in just 110 seconds that sucker was ready to go. My turn. There were no plates as is often the case in such situations, so we improvised by placing the pocket on a healthy pile of napkins. I turned the dial and went to look for a delicious Capri Sun. No problem - grabbed and headed back to the microwave. Something in that area was burning. There was a hot dog cooker not far from the microwave and i took a closer look, examining it for some sort of malfunction - actually i just smelled it. Then "DING!" my eyes shot to the microwave and - Flames! The entire inside of the microwave was filled w/ fucking flames! I opened her up, determined to save my Hot Pocket (there were no more cheeseburger pockets left!) I was stunned and must have made some sort of noise upon my discovery 'casue the guy behind the counter was eye-ing me pretty hard.
"Uh...."
THe flames disappeared as soon as i opened the microwave door. The pocket looked fine, but the napkins - or what was left of them - were completely charred. I grabbed the pocket and gave it a once over. I blew off some of the ashes, but everything was cool. I grabbed the burnt napkins and threw them away. The bottom, top and sides of the once-white microwave were completely black. It was pretty messed up. The guy started walking over.
"Uh...dude, your microwave caught on fire..."
The guy approached, and though i was nervous, I took bite number one of my Hot Pocket - it was soothing in an otherwise tense moment.
"...I didn't even have anything in there, just my food and some napkins....I ...I don't know why it would...."
He came closer, bent down and looked at the microwave and then at me.
"Too much heat."
He was right. Too much heat.
"Dude, i'm sorry... i"
"I don't care, i'll let the day shift clean it up"
He was right. Fuck the day shift. They can deal w/ this shit. This guy had clearly been held down by the man and the day shift too many times. Guys like he and i, we don't have time for stuff like this. I took another bite - fuckin' day shift.
I contemplated writing and posting a sign reading
"Dear Day Shift,
This thing's all screwed up. Too much heat."
But i heard the Ludo van honk, and surely i'd have to put my nearly-ravaged cheeseburger Hot Pocket down to write such a sign.
-Convy
5 Comments:
This was your most insightful blog yet Timothy Convy... nice work. And, I suppose a congratulations is in order for almost burning down a gas station... WAY-TO-GO!
What a captivating story! I had to know how it was going to end... so I finished it, and was not let down. And suddenly, I'm hungry for something microwavable.. with a flaky crust. I smell endorsement deal!
such a great story!!! :) love and hugs casi
Eh, fire isn't scary. Hot Pockets however, terrify me. SICK!
I know what you mean by frozen center nightmares...but truthfully you've inspired me to conquer my fears and eat a four cheese pizza hot pocket.
I once had a incident with a microwave blowing up. Trust me its not your fault, I think that microwaves and hot pockets once had an alliance. Sadly the hot pockets are conservative around here, sticking to their old ties. Or so I thought as I bit into the frozen center...gross!! Love you Ludo.
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